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Justifying our decisions

I’ve never quite understood nor tolerated what I assumed to be dishonesty or lies.

It frustrated me to no end. Why couldn’t my friends be truthful to me? Why do they contradict themselves constantly? How did they go from being adamant about their views to switching to the other side as though they weren’t just insisting on the opposing views the last time we met?

Today, I finally realized that perhaps it wasn’t dishonesty nor lies. Perhaps they were simply trying to convince themselves of their decision.

Just like I did.

Before I decided to go back to full time employment, I constantly came up with justifications on why freelancing was working out well for me.

Yes it didn’t pay as well but money isn’t everything
I have enough to get by;
I don’t have to get out of my pyjamas all day;
I don’t have to deal with peak hour crowds;
I manage my own schedule;
I spend more time with LF;
I have the flexibility to pursue my interests;
I am happier in general;
I sleep so much better;
I am enjoying and utilizing my home which I paid so much for (so much being subjective). Look at all those beautiful houses that are empty most of them time because the people who bought them were busy working to pay off their mortgages.

Yada yada yada.

But once I made the decision to head back into the corporate world just two weeks ago, I found myself coming up with new justifications which contradicted my earlier justifications for freelancing. Because I was trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing for myself and that it was what I wanted.

I can’t tell which made more sense nor which is better but justifying my decision gave me some semblance of control. Like I knew what I was doing with my life.

So I’m sorry to all whom I assumed had lied and were dishonest with themselves and/or me. Like me, you were possibly also struggling to make sense of your decision and your life.

Lost. Then and now. Still lost.

What if you never knew what you wanted to be when you grew up but the clock ticked away anyhow and now you’re all grown up and as lost as you were when you were 7?

At the very least, you probably didn’t care that much when you were 7. But now that you’re 31 and still lost. Alive but barely living. In comfort no doubt but unfulfilled.

How many people go about with life never knowing what they really wanted? Am I one of the many or one of the few? What does it mean to go through life without really knowing or having any significant goal? Significant being subjective. What does it take to live a meaningful life?

I am so envious of people who know what they want. Perhaps then, life is about finding an answer. Even if each answer brings about even more questions.

Yet if I keep doing the same thing that I have always done, nothing will change. So here is to discomfort, to uncertainties, to possible regrets and potentially going back to the mediocre life in a couple of months. But meanwhile, I try. One day at a time.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Life is full of surprises.

I didn’t expect to still keep in contact with my friends from uni but I did. Truth be told, I don’t really know them very well ,we hardly talk in school since we’re usually late for classes with only 15 mins break in between and well, I don’t really attend classes. But since we graduated, we’ve all been making an effort to meet up at least once a quarter, most of the time, with full attendance and no one pulling out at the last minute.

No one knows how long this will last but meanwhile, I’m grateful for it.

The people who took attendance for me, collected notes, brought me endless laughter and guided me through my 2 years in uni.

Thank you. You guys are the mint chocolates in the box. =)

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Awesome dim sum brunch @ Royal China.

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Personalized gifts from Ai Ling, made during her tai tai life in Aussie. =D

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The usual toilet shot.

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Our other halves waiting outside the ladies.

Looking forward to Shan’s ROM and our mismatch Christmas! =D

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Love how this photo turned out unexpectedly. =D

Inspired

Today, I am once again reminded of how little of the world I’ve seen, how limited my experiences have been and how vast our world is.

I’ve always dreamed about stepping out, going a little further and trying something new. Yet I’m constantly fearful of, everything. When my boss informed me of the project in Qatar, I really wanted to go. When it was confirmed, I started to feel afraid. Is it because of the environment that I’ve lived in all my life?

As much as I love my homeland and am grateful for it’s safe and stable environment, I do wanna go out and see the world. Live abroad for a while, immerse myself in the culture and learn the language. What I’ve experienced so far is only a fraction of what the world has to offer. I don’t wanna give up amazing experiences for safety and stability. I want to live my life living, not being safe nor staying within my comfort zone. There’s so much more to live for.

I truly wish I had studied harder. Education isn’t everything, but having a good education and good grades does open doors. I can’t deny that.

Gotta put my time to better use. But for now, back to work.  =)

“Almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

– Steve Jobs

Death

Would you rather know when your last day on earth will be or live oblivion till it comes when it comes?

Teared a lil reading The Time Traveller’s Wife again, especially the part when Clare rushed down to the museum but was only able to see him as they both tried to close the distance between them, yet it was too late. Just that one look, not being able to touch and to feel.

Why is life so unpredictable and fragile? How much time do we all have left? How much is enough? How do we just leave the people we love behind? How do we deal with the demise of the people we love? How do you live the rest of your live knowing that you will never see them, hear them and touch them again?

Am I now afraid to die?

Being apart from LF makes me feel incomplete. Like a part of me is missing. I know its silly since we’re only gonna be apart for 2 weeks but that’s just how it feels. If 2 weeks feels this bad, I can’t imagine the worst. Though this isn’t the first time we’ve been apart. Qatar was different, my mind was so messed up by politics at work that by the end of the day, I was too exhausted to even feel anything. Plus, I wasn’t reading anything emo.

It scares me. Not knowing when is the last.

Live each day as if its your last.

Well if it is my last, I would obviously not go to work.

15 more days till LF is back. Till then, I shall not read any emo books. =X

<3